steeljake75
12-23-2008, 07:27 PM
Ladies and Gentleman, children of all ages, may I have your undivided attention please. Week 16 has ended and here to recap it all and make us all laugh and smile and feel warm all over is your host, the one the only, Mr. Steeljake!!!
Thank you, sir. I see the bruises are healing nicely, watch out from now on though, falling down stairs can't be healthy...
Well 16 down and 1 to go and I must say this has been one of the best seasons I have ever witnessed. The final games actually mean something to any team not located in Ohio, Detroit, St. Louis and of course Oakland. The number one seeds in both conferences have been set and even though we still have 3 divisions to settle, unlike the BCS this will all get decided on the field.
The AFC East is still up for grabs technically, though the Dolphins only have to win to seal it, and yes that was the Miami Dolphins. I wonder if Jerry Jones misses the Tuna? I still can't believe the Cowboys still have a shot, they must have made many deals and sold everyone's soul in Texas. The Jets choked away their shot at a win and your in scenario and at the same time the loss may have ended the careers of both Favre and the Man-genius. The Falcons (yes the ATLANTA Falcons) won their way in and with help could win the NFC South. The Broncos are on the verge of what the internet geeks call an epic fail and have let the Chargers back into the race for the AFC West.
The Ravens have pretty much punched their ticket by ripping the heart out of Dallas on their final game in Texas Stadium. Do you think God saw both runs in the 4th quarter or did he already give up when Romo threw his first pick? The Titans returned to form and beat the Steelers at their own game and the Giants got lucky on a missed field goal and then ran over the Panthers to get the one seed in the NFC. The Colts seem to be the team everyone is calling the most feared, they are on an 8 game win streak, but wait till you see who they beat. The Bears stayed alive with their second overtime win in two games, I hear Robbie Gould is still being carried down Lake Shore Drive at this writing. Miami played in the modern day Ice Bowl and won a shoot out with the Chiefs and the Eagles forgot how to run the ball... again. Arizona and the Lions may be headed in different direction come January, but they looked like mirror images on Sunday with both teams taking epic ass whippings.
The coaching carousel is starting to crank up and will be at full steam come next Monday. For now we get to speculate on the demise or rise of the people that control the on field actions of our favorite teams. Mike Singletary has learned to keep his pants up and with a .500 record he may have secured the 9ers job permanently. The Lions say they don't want to clean house and no one knows what the hell that means. The Rams will not be bringing Hasslett back and their head of football operations has resigned after 27 years. Carl Peterson called it quits, or at least that what they want us to think, after 20 plus and his buddy Herm may not be too far behind him. The Browns will have yet another head coach search and while I know there are cries for Bill 'The Chin' Cowher, word on the street is he doesn't want that job. Mangini could be gone and surprisingly people are saying that Jim Zorn could go to. Bad news for Philly fans, Andy Reid looks to be safe and how can we for get Oakland? Maybe Al will just be the coach and get it over with; I mean who else is left? Jerry says Wade is safe, but just wait till he talks to the Walrus...
The week that was has plenty still to offer, so without further procrastination from the head prognosticator; let's get to the meat shall we?
The Good
- Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts
In Thursday's game against the Jaguars Peyton Manning went 29-of-34 for 364 yards and three touchdowns, making this his fourth 300-yard game of the season. Manning completed his first 17 passes and to top it all off, he had to come from behind because the defense couldn't stop the Bowling Ball. We all wrote Peyton off, we all said he might be done, but here we are just about at the end of the regular season and guess who is leading the MVP talk? The Colts have now made the playoffs seven years in a row, and no one thought they would win 9 games 8 weeks ago. After losing to the Titans in week 8, Peyton and company have not dropped a game, yes it is true that Cleveland, Cincinnati and Detroit are on that list, but so are New England, Pittsburg and San Diego. The Colts play the Titans to finish up the regular season and we all know that Dungy will rest his team especially since a win or loss means nothing for seeding. Getting hot at the right time, no matter who you play, is what we call momentum in the NFL.
- The Baltimore Ravens
After such a close, heart wrenching and somewhat controversial loss last week this team could have done the poor me routine and hung their heads. Instead, Ray "I am the drama" Lewis used it as a rallying cry and the Ravens went into Dallas and punched the Cowboys right in the grill. The offense is still not up to snuff just yet, but that defense is on a mission it seems. Suggs, Lewis and Scott are all going to be free agents next year and maybe they know they won't be together. Maybe Ray isn't as washed up as we all thought, maybe they just hated Billick so much they didn't wanna play for him. Whatever the reason this team is playing angry and I can tell you that whoever they face in the Wildcard game, yes they will make it, should be ready to have their neck stepped on. Joe Flacco may not be RoY, but with a D like that and a running game that can come through when they need it they could go far. Although, I doubt anyone else in the NFL, not even Detroit would have let up those two runs in a row...
- The Tom Brady-less New England Patriots
So let me get this right… Tom Brady goes down and they just plug in the next guy? This team’s rise despite missing their so-called field general raises two huge questions;
1. Did Bellicheat really cheat or even need to?
And
2. Is Tom Brady really Tom Terrific or is it the system?
Those questions have a whole off season to be debated by homers and haters alike so I will just let the insinuations be. The Pats need to win and get some help to get in the dance, but most likely they will be just the 2nd 11 win team to be left out in the Wildcard era. That might be best, anytime Matt Cassel has face a top ranked D he has had issues, but for now he gets to be called great for beating up the team he has to play.
- The Tennessee Titans
After what seemed like a mid to late season swoon, the Titans reminded everyone who they were with a beat down of the Steelers for the number one seed in the AFC. Rookie runner Chris Johnson converted a 4th and inches into a touchdown and the flood gates opened up after that. The Titans D sealed the deal with a pick six and after Lendale White danced on the Terrible Towel it was all over. The Titans may have looked to be slipping with their two best linemen out, but they took care of business anyways. A swarming defense and a power running game added to a team with confidence is always a good way to head into the playoffs.
- The Miami Dolphins
1-15. This team was 1-15 last year. I checked, it's true they won one game and that was an overtime fluke on a slant that went the distance against the Ravens late in the season. The whole staff was fired and the prayers went up and virgins were sacrificed and on the wings of a G4 arrived the Tuna. He called in his Jersey crew, chased away the veterans who were too long in the tooth and grabbed a quarter back that was cast off for a legend, grabbed a tight end from Dallas and an offensive scheme from the real Old School, mixed it all up with a smile and pinch of I-told-you-so juice, baked it at 450 for 16 weeks and Wah- Lah! Don't forget putting the fear of God into Joey Porter that he might be traded to the Lions (just for the record I don't know if that’s what Bill did, but who really knows right?) for some helmets and no one can stop him or his yap. The Phins can make their own bed this week, all they have to is help Chad get revenge on the Jets and beat a team they hate anyways. If it weren't for the Falcons, this would be the greatest turnaround ever. Hey Jerry, Bill says hi... bitch.
- The San Diego Super Chargers
No one on the whole planet is as happy to see the Chargers get a shot at the playoffs as Ed 'Guns" Hoculi. If he hadn't of blown that call, the division would have already been decided, but if frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their asses when they jumped either. This team has gagged its way to a 7-8 record and even though it hurts me to say it they have been carried by Phillip Rivers. LT has 100 yards and 8 td's, which would be fine if he was say, not LT. No matter what the stats, the Chargers dismantled the Bucs on the road last week and have a 3 game winning streak to carry them into the rematch with Denver, sans Hoculi of course. The expectations were a Super Bowl run this year and while that may not be in the cards, just the guts this team has shown has saved Norv's job this year.
- The Atlanta Falcons
After the win in Minnesota clinched a playoff spot for them, owner Arthur Blank was quoted as saying this was a Christmas/Hanukkah miracle. While I am not as awe struck as Mr. Blank, I will say what they have done in Atlanta is pretty amazing. A rookie quarter back and a rookie coach and they have a shot to win the division? I read on SI.com some guy picked them to go 2-14, and not many people disagreed with him. Running back Michael Turner should be considered for MVP for providing the best support a QB ever needed and if it wasn't for AD he would be leading the NFL is rushing. The fact that Mike Smith is doing so well really isn't a surprise when you consider that when he left Jacksonville they started to suck. Maybe the guy knows something. The Tuna wouldn't even get involved with this team in the off season and look at where they are now. The only thing better would be if the Phins and Falcons played in the Super Bowl.
- The New York Football Giants
Like I said last week, 2 games is a skid and 3 is a streak. The skid was halted Sunday night as Derrick Ward ran for 215 yards and Brandon Jacobs hit clean up for 3 td's. The game was almost lost but a fortuitous (that’s a $5 dollar word people) wind gust let them play on. Some will say this win was lucky, but as we say on the golf course, sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. The Giants now have the number one seed in the NFC and have won a game in December for the first time since before Tiki committed treason. While the path to the Super Bowl may go through the Meadowlands, the number one seed isn't guaranteed to even make the championship game, just look at what the Blue Crew did last year. For now the talk is dieing out about this team being lost with out Plax, but that will only last until they lose again, you got to love the Big Apple.
- The Chicago Bears
They call the Carolina Panthers the Cardiac Cats for their penchant for pulling out close ones; maybe instead of Monsters of the Midway we should call this team the Heart Attack Pack. Two weeks in a row the Bears have needed an overtime field goal to escape the arms of defeat. The defense isn't looking so great anymore and Kyle 'Neckbeard' Orton continues to do his best impression of Sexy Rexy, but hey, a win is a win right? The Bears still have a chance to lose on Wildcard Weekend with the Vikings having to play the Giants and the Bears get to go to Houston. I wonder if the Bears will play down to their opponents in warm weather as well...
The Bad
- The Dallas Cowboys
This is a message from me to Mr. Jerry Jones, so everyone else stop reading and just skip to the next part...
OK, so you hand picked the Ravens for your last game ever at your home stadium? Did you think they would roll over or did you think your team would be on cruise control by then? I personally have never seen such a talented roster of players, oh wait, yes I have, the Cowboys of the 90's had a shit ton of talent. Emmit, Michael, Troy, Novacek, Haley, Lett, and Woodson; just to name a few from those teams. All that talent was led by Jimmy 'Iron Hand' Johnson. He wasn't their friend, in fact a lot of those guys still hate him, but they all respected him. This team doesn't need their best buddy, they need a leader. You chased away Parcells and look what he did to the Dolphins. How many Super Bowls could he win with this team you think? The answer is you will never know. Be careful sir, you are starting to be in the same class as Al Davis, and not the good one that helped merge the AFL and NFL either. By the way, Bill says hi, have fun in the post season.
OK everyone, you can start reading again, thanks for your cooperation.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers
That gagging sound you here coming from Western P.A. is Big Ben and the offensive line trying to get rookie defensive end Jason Jones hands from around Roethlisberger's neck. No Hanyesworth or Vandenbosch you say? Should be an easier game you say? Not for this team. Between Ben forgetting how to throw it and the line blocking like they hate him they made this rookie look like the next LT, (the real LT, not that cry baby running back in So Cal) Bruce Smith and Reggie White all rolled into one. The way this team played they should have stomped the Terrible Towel themselves. Myron Cope is rolling in his grave the way this team laid down in Tennessee and I can't say I blame him. Maybe they didn't fell like they had to win this game, maybe they didn't think home field was important, maybe they just read their own press clippings and the Titans wanted more. I don't know why it happened, but the 50 gallon drum was opened and all of it got dumped on the Steelers. Good thing they play the Browns next week, maybe a good old division beating will get them to wake up. I just hope the beat down goes the 'correct' way this time.
- The Minnesota Vikings
After all this team has been through they had to just win and they can cruise into the playoffs. That would have been what I would have done, but it seems good old Brad 'Get Low' Childress didn't like the easy road. I know that Adrian Peterson didn't help by catching a nasty case of fumblitis, but you got to love the faith he showed in Tavaris "Free Mike V." Jackson. The Giants now stand in the way of this team and the playoffs and even though they have nothing to play for technically, who really wants to give a team with the best running back in the game a shot when they don’t have to? Here is some free advice for good ol' Brad...
DARFT A QUARTER BACK!!!!!!!
- The Philadelphia Eagles
I still can't figure out what this team is doing. After benching McNabb they ran the ball in the next two games and won both of them. They go into a win and you’re in and Dallas is out game and they call just 14 running plays. I just can't get my head around it. Does Andy Reid even listen to his mustache anymore? I can't understand it so I will leave this to an actual Eagles fan. He wrote this on the RFCU (www.rfcunited.com) boards in a thread asking what team took the bigger ass whipping; the Eagles weren’t an initial choice.
I have to do a write in vote for Philly- Control your own destiny vs a team that lost 3 in a row- In those 3 losses the opp attempted over 120 rushing attempts combined- play in 20+ degrees and high winds and the fat man called 48 pass plays- 14 run plays ...in a close game- Coach Andy Reid should get an ass whopping- though I'd settle for a pink slip
(I know there are no periods in that quote, but the guy can’t find that button on the keyboard so we just let it go.)
We now pause for a message from our sponsor, the Tennessee Law Firm of Johnson, White, Runyoassova and Collins.
'We at Johnson, White, Runyoassova and Collins would like to wish all of you who don't live in Pittsburgh a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. we would also like to announce a new service. In addition to eradicating bitchassedness and asshattery, we now offer full on trashing of your rivals. Need a logo vandalized, a mascot beat down or a towel stomped? Just give us a ring-a-ding-ding and we will do our thing. All issues can be handled; no job is too small no fee is too large. Just call 1-800-YOU-GOT-KNOCKED-THE-FUCK-OUT and Colonel Stinkmeaner and his crew will be there in a flash. Now accepting debit cards, walk ins welcome."
Now back to our regularly scheduled asshattery...
Ok people, two down one to go, you know what that means. I know it is Christmas and you may think I would be nice and have the holiday spirit, but you would be wrong. It is time once again for me to shit all over teams, players, coaches and even fans, all who will never know I did it but it will be semi amusing anyways. Without further smoke blowing, I give you the ULGY!!!!
U! L! G! Y! You Ugly, yo momma says you Ugly! In the true holiday spirit I present you with the most teams I have ever put in the Ugly this year. From choking legends to teams that fail epically (I don't know if that’s a really word, but guess what? Fuck it.) If you like to read about failure so bad it makes your life seem just a bit less pathetic, then I wrote this just for you...
The Ugly
- The New York Bret’s
I can't tell you how pissed I am personally at this. All year I have been trashing the Packers for getting rid of the great Favre-ini and how does he repay me? After beating the Pats and the previously undefeated Titans Bret and his crew should have not won a single game. If it wasn't for the sorry no account Bills calling the dumbest play since the Miracle at the Meadowlands (if you’re under 30 go look this up, I just don't have the room to explain how Herm Edwards ran back a fumble back in the day...) then Mangini would have already been fired. Bret is supposed to be the one who can play in the snow and yet, not so much huh? 3 years ago they sang songs about Mangini in New York, now they want his head and his children are afraid to go to school. I can't say I blame them, they did chase away that bum Chadwick Pennington III, how's that working out for him? Dick.
- The Jacksonville Jaguars
I know this team has had injury problems but to go from a playoff win to 5-10 is just nasty. I think I know why it happened though. Part of it has to do with the fact that this team doesn't even have a solid number 2 wide receiver, or a defensive line, or a secondary, or an o-line or a... well you get the picture. Maybe the loss of Marcus Stroud to the Bills and the departure of Mike Smith to the Falcons had something to do with it? I think Jack may get another year, but he best get some players or it will be his last. The Steelers said hi btw.
- The Cleveland Browns
I don't know if I can trash this team any worse than they trashed themselves by getting blanked by the Bungles. But I will give it my best shot...
Really people? You couldn't score one touchdown against the Bungles? I know Brady is done and D.A. is what we all knew he was and Braylon couldn't catch a staph infection at the Cleveland Clinic, but even the Lions didn't get shut out this year. Have fun getting yet another new coach, too bad it won't be Cowher. I hear the Walrus is available. The fact that some d-lineman punched Brady Quinn in the kisser serves as a microcosm (that’s a $10 dollar word... cha-ching!) of your team and season. The blue print is right in your division people, the original Browns have figured it out over in Baltimore, are you blind or just plain stupid? Yes I know I know stupid is is stupid does, but guess what Mr. Dumass? (Pronounced Dumb-ass) The Browns does. Guess what will make your day Cleveland? You get to play an angry and embarrassed Steelers team in Pittsburgh this week. Merry Hanukkah.
- The Arizona Cardinals
I know sometimes teams put it in cruise control when they secure the division, but this team has been on auto suck since week 9. They beat the Cowboys and then nothing. People like to say the NFC West sucks so bad that an 8-8 record will win it and this team takes that literally. I know it was cold in Foxboro, but as they say on ESPN... Come on man!! Here is how things shake out for the AFC Worst Chumpian Cardinals. They will get the 5th seed, which will be Atlanta, Carolina, Dallas or maybe even Tampa. You play indoors in the desert so the game will be nice and warm so you will have to rely on your talent to win it. One word people: Fail. Have fun Arizona, the 9ers say hi.
- The Tampa bay Buccaneers
I didn't say two words about Tampa (well that one time in the good was a goof so it doesn't count) until the Monday Night game and then they just tanked. Some are saying that the D is old and they stayed up past their bedtime, others are saying that they weren't that good and had a soft schedule. This week they couldn't even take advantage of a 7-0 home record and got obliterated by the Bolts. I don't know what to say, maybe they can’t hear their coach, God knows he yells enough maybe they went deaf. They need a QB, they need young guys on D, and now they need a defensive coordinator. I will just end this with a quote from an actual Bucs fan (yes I found one sober enough to speak coherently). This is from Bones (formerly Bonesmahoney) over at www.vsngaming.com :
Dear Bucs, Thanks for shitting the bed at the end of the year 2 years in a row. With Love, Bones XOXO .
- The Denver Broncos
Back when this team was run by the Great Horse Faced one, I actually liked them. Now they have a loud mouth cry baby for a QB and I can't fucking stand them. Their coach is still telling the story about the two Super Bowls he won back in the 90's and the audience is starting to tell it back to him with a new ending; what have you done lately. Last year the Broncos were off to a good start but they changed quarter backs anyways and after losing to the 49ers at home they missed the playoffs. This year they started off fast, got a great call from a ref and looked to be on the way to the post season. New year, same story. Now they have lost 2 of their last 3 and they face their hated rivals for the division title. it's almost like someone is trying to tell Shannhan it's over but he can't hear them over the noise in his head form those two Super Bowls he won... 10 years ago.
- The Green Bay Packers
I know they played pretty good Monday Night, but they still lost. That makes 10, this team officially sucks, good job Ted and Mike. That's all I have for you, but I wouldn't step on anything that’s flaming for a while.
- The Detroit Lions
I almost feel bad for this team, but since I feel like they did it to themselves, or at least the owners did it, fuck 'em. Rumors abound that Matt Millen is still advising the front office and word is that they won't be cleaning house. I can't fathom this, it just doesn’t make sense. The Dolphins went 1-15 and got rid of everyone except the immigrants that paint the field. You're gonna go 0-16 and you don't want to clean out the people that built this travisshamockery of a team? I found an actual Lions fan that still had a small sense of humor, although I fear it is just the defense mechanism he uses to fend off the pain. This is from Dspydr84 from www.vsngaming.com :
Do you know how hard it is to be the worst team in the NFL?
That's no easy accomplishment... [to be the worst] in NFL history
Well folks, that's all I have for this week. Tune in next time when we will here Jerry Jones say:
"Yes, I think I am Al Davis' long lost child."
Flame away if you wish, all comments Good, Bad and Ugly are welcome. Just remember this is just my opinion and that and $229.99 a moth will get you 500 channels of crystal clear HD T.V., with nothing to watch. Until next time, if you see a Terrible Towel, stomp it out.
Thank you, sir. I see the bruises are healing nicely, watch out from now on though, falling down stairs can't be healthy...
Well 16 down and 1 to go and I must say this has been one of the best seasons I have ever witnessed. The final games actually mean something to any team not located in Ohio, Detroit, St. Louis and of course Oakland. The number one seeds in both conferences have been set and even though we still have 3 divisions to settle, unlike the BCS this will all get decided on the field.
The AFC East is still up for grabs technically, though the Dolphins only have to win to seal it, and yes that was the Miami Dolphins. I wonder if Jerry Jones misses the Tuna? I still can't believe the Cowboys still have a shot, they must have made many deals and sold everyone's soul in Texas. The Jets choked away their shot at a win and your in scenario and at the same time the loss may have ended the careers of both Favre and the Man-genius. The Falcons (yes the ATLANTA Falcons) won their way in and with help could win the NFC South. The Broncos are on the verge of what the internet geeks call an epic fail and have let the Chargers back into the race for the AFC West.
The Ravens have pretty much punched their ticket by ripping the heart out of Dallas on their final game in Texas Stadium. Do you think God saw both runs in the 4th quarter or did he already give up when Romo threw his first pick? The Titans returned to form and beat the Steelers at their own game and the Giants got lucky on a missed field goal and then ran over the Panthers to get the one seed in the NFC. The Colts seem to be the team everyone is calling the most feared, they are on an 8 game win streak, but wait till you see who they beat. The Bears stayed alive with their second overtime win in two games, I hear Robbie Gould is still being carried down Lake Shore Drive at this writing. Miami played in the modern day Ice Bowl and won a shoot out with the Chiefs and the Eagles forgot how to run the ball... again. Arizona and the Lions may be headed in different direction come January, but they looked like mirror images on Sunday with both teams taking epic ass whippings.
The coaching carousel is starting to crank up and will be at full steam come next Monday. For now we get to speculate on the demise or rise of the people that control the on field actions of our favorite teams. Mike Singletary has learned to keep his pants up and with a .500 record he may have secured the 9ers job permanently. The Lions say they don't want to clean house and no one knows what the hell that means. The Rams will not be bringing Hasslett back and their head of football operations has resigned after 27 years. Carl Peterson called it quits, or at least that what they want us to think, after 20 plus and his buddy Herm may not be too far behind him. The Browns will have yet another head coach search and while I know there are cries for Bill 'The Chin' Cowher, word on the street is he doesn't want that job. Mangini could be gone and surprisingly people are saying that Jim Zorn could go to. Bad news for Philly fans, Andy Reid looks to be safe and how can we for get Oakland? Maybe Al will just be the coach and get it over with; I mean who else is left? Jerry says Wade is safe, but just wait till he talks to the Walrus...
The week that was has plenty still to offer, so without further procrastination from the head prognosticator; let's get to the meat shall we?
The Good
- Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts
In Thursday's game against the Jaguars Peyton Manning went 29-of-34 for 364 yards and three touchdowns, making this his fourth 300-yard game of the season. Manning completed his first 17 passes and to top it all off, he had to come from behind because the defense couldn't stop the Bowling Ball. We all wrote Peyton off, we all said he might be done, but here we are just about at the end of the regular season and guess who is leading the MVP talk? The Colts have now made the playoffs seven years in a row, and no one thought they would win 9 games 8 weeks ago. After losing to the Titans in week 8, Peyton and company have not dropped a game, yes it is true that Cleveland, Cincinnati and Detroit are on that list, but so are New England, Pittsburg and San Diego. The Colts play the Titans to finish up the regular season and we all know that Dungy will rest his team especially since a win or loss means nothing for seeding. Getting hot at the right time, no matter who you play, is what we call momentum in the NFL.
- The Baltimore Ravens
After such a close, heart wrenching and somewhat controversial loss last week this team could have done the poor me routine and hung their heads. Instead, Ray "I am the drama" Lewis used it as a rallying cry and the Ravens went into Dallas and punched the Cowboys right in the grill. The offense is still not up to snuff just yet, but that defense is on a mission it seems. Suggs, Lewis and Scott are all going to be free agents next year and maybe they know they won't be together. Maybe Ray isn't as washed up as we all thought, maybe they just hated Billick so much they didn't wanna play for him. Whatever the reason this team is playing angry and I can tell you that whoever they face in the Wildcard game, yes they will make it, should be ready to have their neck stepped on. Joe Flacco may not be RoY, but with a D like that and a running game that can come through when they need it they could go far. Although, I doubt anyone else in the NFL, not even Detroit would have let up those two runs in a row...
- The Tom Brady-less New England Patriots
So let me get this right… Tom Brady goes down and they just plug in the next guy? This team’s rise despite missing their so-called field general raises two huge questions;
1. Did Bellicheat really cheat or even need to?
And
2. Is Tom Brady really Tom Terrific or is it the system?
Those questions have a whole off season to be debated by homers and haters alike so I will just let the insinuations be. The Pats need to win and get some help to get in the dance, but most likely they will be just the 2nd 11 win team to be left out in the Wildcard era. That might be best, anytime Matt Cassel has face a top ranked D he has had issues, but for now he gets to be called great for beating up the team he has to play.
- The Tennessee Titans
After what seemed like a mid to late season swoon, the Titans reminded everyone who they were with a beat down of the Steelers for the number one seed in the AFC. Rookie runner Chris Johnson converted a 4th and inches into a touchdown and the flood gates opened up after that. The Titans D sealed the deal with a pick six and after Lendale White danced on the Terrible Towel it was all over. The Titans may have looked to be slipping with their two best linemen out, but they took care of business anyways. A swarming defense and a power running game added to a team with confidence is always a good way to head into the playoffs.
- The Miami Dolphins
1-15. This team was 1-15 last year. I checked, it's true they won one game and that was an overtime fluke on a slant that went the distance against the Ravens late in the season. The whole staff was fired and the prayers went up and virgins were sacrificed and on the wings of a G4 arrived the Tuna. He called in his Jersey crew, chased away the veterans who were too long in the tooth and grabbed a quarter back that was cast off for a legend, grabbed a tight end from Dallas and an offensive scheme from the real Old School, mixed it all up with a smile and pinch of I-told-you-so juice, baked it at 450 for 16 weeks and Wah- Lah! Don't forget putting the fear of God into Joey Porter that he might be traded to the Lions (just for the record I don't know if that’s what Bill did, but who really knows right?) for some helmets and no one can stop him or his yap. The Phins can make their own bed this week, all they have to is help Chad get revenge on the Jets and beat a team they hate anyways. If it weren't for the Falcons, this would be the greatest turnaround ever. Hey Jerry, Bill says hi... bitch.
- The San Diego Super Chargers
No one on the whole planet is as happy to see the Chargers get a shot at the playoffs as Ed 'Guns" Hoculi. If he hadn't of blown that call, the division would have already been decided, but if frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their asses when they jumped either. This team has gagged its way to a 7-8 record and even though it hurts me to say it they have been carried by Phillip Rivers. LT has 100 yards and 8 td's, which would be fine if he was say, not LT. No matter what the stats, the Chargers dismantled the Bucs on the road last week and have a 3 game winning streak to carry them into the rematch with Denver, sans Hoculi of course. The expectations were a Super Bowl run this year and while that may not be in the cards, just the guts this team has shown has saved Norv's job this year.
- The Atlanta Falcons
After the win in Minnesota clinched a playoff spot for them, owner Arthur Blank was quoted as saying this was a Christmas/Hanukkah miracle. While I am not as awe struck as Mr. Blank, I will say what they have done in Atlanta is pretty amazing. A rookie quarter back and a rookie coach and they have a shot to win the division? I read on SI.com some guy picked them to go 2-14, and not many people disagreed with him. Running back Michael Turner should be considered for MVP for providing the best support a QB ever needed and if it wasn't for AD he would be leading the NFL is rushing. The fact that Mike Smith is doing so well really isn't a surprise when you consider that when he left Jacksonville they started to suck. Maybe the guy knows something. The Tuna wouldn't even get involved with this team in the off season and look at where they are now. The only thing better would be if the Phins and Falcons played in the Super Bowl.
- The New York Football Giants
Like I said last week, 2 games is a skid and 3 is a streak. The skid was halted Sunday night as Derrick Ward ran for 215 yards and Brandon Jacobs hit clean up for 3 td's. The game was almost lost but a fortuitous (that’s a $5 dollar word people) wind gust let them play on. Some will say this win was lucky, but as we say on the golf course, sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. The Giants now have the number one seed in the NFC and have won a game in December for the first time since before Tiki committed treason. While the path to the Super Bowl may go through the Meadowlands, the number one seed isn't guaranteed to even make the championship game, just look at what the Blue Crew did last year. For now the talk is dieing out about this team being lost with out Plax, but that will only last until they lose again, you got to love the Big Apple.
- The Chicago Bears
They call the Carolina Panthers the Cardiac Cats for their penchant for pulling out close ones; maybe instead of Monsters of the Midway we should call this team the Heart Attack Pack. Two weeks in a row the Bears have needed an overtime field goal to escape the arms of defeat. The defense isn't looking so great anymore and Kyle 'Neckbeard' Orton continues to do his best impression of Sexy Rexy, but hey, a win is a win right? The Bears still have a chance to lose on Wildcard Weekend with the Vikings having to play the Giants and the Bears get to go to Houston. I wonder if the Bears will play down to their opponents in warm weather as well...
The Bad
- The Dallas Cowboys
This is a message from me to Mr. Jerry Jones, so everyone else stop reading and just skip to the next part...
OK, so you hand picked the Ravens for your last game ever at your home stadium? Did you think they would roll over or did you think your team would be on cruise control by then? I personally have never seen such a talented roster of players, oh wait, yes I have, the Cowboys of the 90's had a shit ton of talent. Emmit, Michael, Troy, Novacek, Haley, Lett, and Woodson; just to name a few from those teams. All that talent was led by Jimmy 'Iron Hand' Johnson. He wasn't their friend, in fact a lot of those guys still hate him, but they all respected him. This team doesn't need their best buddy, they need a leader. You chased away Parcells and look what he did to the Dolphins. How many Super Bowls could he win with this team you think? The answer is you will never know. Be careful sir, you are starting to be in the same class as Al Davis, and not the good one that helped merge the AFL and NFL either. By the way, Bill says hi, have fun in the post season.
OK everyone, you can start reading again, thanks for your cooperation.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers
That gagging sound you here coming from Western P.A. is Big Ben and the offensive line trying to get rookie defensive end Jason Jones hands from around Roethlisberger's neck. No Hanyesworth or Vandenbosch you say? Should be an easier game you say? Not for this team. Between Ben forgetting how to throw it and the line blocking like they hate him they made this rookie look like the next LT, (the real LT, not that cry baby running back in So Cal) Bruce Smith and Reggie White all rolled into one. The way this team played they should have stomped the Terrible Towel themselves. Myron Cope is rolling in his grave the way this team laid down in Tennessee and I can't say I blame him. Maybe they didn't fell like they had to win this game, maybe they didn't think home field was important, maybe they just read their own press clippings and the Titans wanted more. I don't know why it happened, but the 50 gallon drum was opened and all of it got dumped on the Steelers. Good thing they play the Browns next week, maybe a good old division beating will get them to wake up. I just hope the beat down goes the 'correct' way this time.
- The Minnesota Vikings
After all this team has been through they had to just win and they can cruise into the playoffs. That would have been what I would have done, but it seems good old Brad 'Get Low' Childress didn't like the easy road. I know that Adrian Peterson didn't help by catching a nasty case of fumblitis, but you got to love the faith he showed in Tavaris "Free Mike V." Jackson. The Giants now stand in the way of this team and the playoffs and even though they have nothing to play for technically, who really wants to give a team with the best running back in the game a shot when they don’t have to? Here is some free advice for good ol' Brad...
DARFT A QUARTER BACK!!!!!!!
- The Philadelphia Eagles
I still can't figure out what this team is doing. After benching McNabb they ran the ball in the next two games and won both of them. They go into a win and you’re in and Dallas is out game and they call just 14 running plays. I just can't get my head around it. Does Andy Reid even listen to his mustache anymore? I can't understand it so I will leave this to an actual Eagles fan. He wrote this on the RFCU (www.rfcunited.com) boards in a thread asking what team took the bigger ass whipping; the Eagles weren’t an initial choice.
I have to do a write in vote for Philly- Control your own destiny vs a team that lost 3 in a row- In those 3 losses the opp attempted over 120 rushing attempts combined- play in 20+ degrees and high winds and the fat man called 48 pass plays- 14 run plays ...in a close game- Coach Andy Reid should get an ass whopping- though I'd settle for a pink slip
(I know there are no periods in that quote, but the guy can’t find that button on the keyboard so we just let it go.)
We now pause for a message from our sponsor, the Tennessee Law Firm of Johnson, White, Runyoassova and Collins.
'We at Johnson, White, Runyoassova and Collins would like to wish all of you who don't live in Pittsburgh a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. we would also like to announce a new service. In addition to eradicating bitchassedness and asshattery, we now offer full on trashing of your rivals. Need a logo vandalized, a mascot beat down or a towel stomped? Just give us a ring-a-ding-ding and we will do our thing. All issues can be handled; no job is too small no fee is too large. Just call 1-800-YOU-GOT-KNOCKED-THE-FUCK-OUT and Colonel Stinkmeaner and his crew will be there in a flash. Now accepting debit cards, walk ins welcome."
Now back to our regularly scheduled asshattery...
Ok people, two down one to go, you know what that means. I know it is Christmas and you may think I would be nice and have the holiday spirit, but you would be wrong. It is time once again for me to shit all over teams, players, coaches and even fans, all who will never know I did it but it will be semi amusing anyways. Without further smoke blowing, I give you the ULGY!!!!
U! L! G! Y! You Ugly, yo momma says you Ugly! In the true holiday spirit I present you with the most teams I have ever put in the Ugly this year. From choking legends to teams that fail epically (I don't know if that’s a really word, but guess what? Fuck it.) If you like to read about failure so bad it makes your life seem just a bit less pathetic, then I wrote this just for you...
The Ugly
- The New York Bret’s
I can't tell you how pissed I am personally at this. All year I have been trashing the Packers for getting rid of the great Favre-ini and how does he repay me? After beating the Pats and the previously undefeated Titans Bret and his crew should have not won a single game. If it wasn't for the sorry no account Bills calling the dumbest play since the Miracle at the Meadowlands (if you’re under 30 go look this up, I just don't have the room to explain how Herm Edwards ran back a fumble back in the day...) then Mangini would have already been fired. Bret is supposed to be the one who can play in the snow and yet, not so much huh? 3 years ago they sang songs about Mangini in New York, now they want his head and his children are afraid to go to school. I can't say I blame them, they did chase away that bum Chadwick Pennington III, how's that working out for him? Dick.
- The Jacksonville Jaguars
I know this team has had injury problems but to go from a playoff win to 5-10 is just nasty. I think I know why it happened though. Part of it has to do with the fact that this team doesn't even have a solid number 2 wide receiver, or a defensive line, or a secondary, or an o-line or a... well you get the picture. Maybe the loss of Marcus Stroud to the Bills and the departure of Mike Smith to the Falcons had something to do with it? I think Jack may get another year, but he best get some players or it will be his last. The Steelers said hi btw.
- The Cleveland Browns
I don't know if I can trash this team any worse than they trashed themselves by getting blanked by the Bungles. But I will give it my best shot...
Really people? You couldn't score one touchdown against the Bungles? I know Brady is done and D.A. is what we all knew he was and Braylon couldn't catch a staph infection at the Cleveland Clinic, but even the Lions didn't get shut out this year. Have fun getting yet another new coach, too bad it won't be Cowher. I hear the Walrus is available. The fact that some d-lineman punched Brady Quinn in the kisser serves as a microcosm (that’s a $10 dollar word... cha-ching!) of your team and season. The blue print is right in your division people, the original Browns have figured it out over in Baltimore, are you blind or just plain stupid? Yes I know I know stupid is is stupid does, but guess what Mr. Dumass? (Pronounced Dumb-ass) The Browns does. Guess what will make your day Cleveland? You get to play an angry and embarrassed Steelers team in Pittsburgh this week. Merry Hanukkah.
- The Arizona Cardinals
I know sometimes teams put it in cruise control when they secure the division, but this team has been on auto suck since week 9. They beat the Cowboys and then nothing. People like to say the NFC West sucks so bad that an 8-8 record will win it and this team takes that literally. I know it was cold in Foxboro, but as they say on ESPN... Come on man!! Here is how things shake out for the AFC Worst Chumpian Cardinals. They will get the 5th seed, which will be Atlanta, Carolina, Dallas or maybe even Tampa. You play indoors in the desert so the game will be nice and warm so you will have to rely on your talent to win it. One word people: Fail. Have fun Arizona, the 9ers say hi.
- The Tampa bay Buccaneers
I didn't say two words about Tampa (well that one time in the good was a goof so it doesn't count) until the Monday Night game and then they just tanked. Some are saying that the D is old and they stayed up past their bedtime, others are saying that they weren't that good and had a soft schedule. This week they couldn't even take advantage of a 7-0 home record and got obliterated by the Bolts. I don't know what to say, maybe they can’t hear their coach, God knows he yells enough maybe they went deaf. They need a QB, they need young guys on D, and now they need a defensive coordinator. I will just end this with a quote from an actual Bucs fan (yes I found one sober enough to speak coherently). This is from Bones (formerly Bonesmahoney) over at www.vsngaming.com :
Dear Bucs, Thanks for shitting the bed at the end of the year 2 years in a row. With Love, Bones XOXO .
- The Denver Broncos
Back when this team was run by the Great Horse Faced one, I actually liked them. Now they have a loud mouth cry baby for a QB and I can't fucking stand them. Their coach is still telling the story about the two Super Bowls he won back in the 90's and the audience is starting to tell it back to him with a new ending; what have you done lately. Last year the Broncos were off to a good start but they changed quarter backs anyways and after losing to the 49ers at home they missed the playoffs. This year they started off fast, got a great call from a ref and looked to be on the way to the post season. New year, same story. Now they have lost 2 of their last 3 and they face their hated rivals for the division title. it's almost like someone is trying to tell Shannhan it's over but he can't hear them over the noise in his head form those two Super Bowls he won... 10 years ago.
- The Green Bay Packers
I know they played pretty good Monday Night, but they still lost. That makes 10, this team officially sucks, good job Ted and Mike. That's all I have for you, but I wouldn't step on anything that’s flaming for a while.
- The Detroit Lions
I almost feel bad for this team, but since I feel like they did it to themselves, or at least the owners did it, fuck 'em. Rumors abound that Matt Millen is still advising the front office and word is that they won't be cleaning house. I can't fathom this, it just doesn’t make sense. The Dolphins went 1-15 and got rid of everyone except the immigrants that paint the field. You're gonna go 0-16 and you don't want to clean out the people that built this travisshamockery of a team? I found an actual Lions fan that still had a small sense of humor, although I fear it is just the defense mechanism he uses to fend off the pain. This is from Dspydr84 from www.vsngaming.com :
Do you know how hard it is to be the worst team in the NFL?
That's no easy accomplishment... [to be the worst] in NFL history
Well folks, that's all I have for this week. Tune in next time when we will here Jerry Jones say:
"Yes, I think I am Al Davis' long lost child."
Flame away if you wish, all comments Good, Bad and Ugly are welcome. Just remember this is just my opinion and that and $229.99 a moth will get you 500 channels of crystal clear HD T.V., with nothing to watch. Until next time, if you see a Terrible Towel, stomp it out.